Annie's Score- 0

Yesterday proves that i have no game whatsoever! Ugh i totally freeze when it comes to talking to guys i think are good looking and such. I tried to loosen up but become tense once again when it becomes silent. Then i try the to think of the right things to say in my head then say it out loud, but sometimes i keep it to myself so he won't think I'm some dumb bitch. My friend says she has bad self esteem which didn't seem like it yesterday. i wish icould be more like her and she wishes she could be more like me. We're so silly. well, hopefully I'll learn the game soon, I'm not getting any younger that's for sure.

Stop reminiscening, Annie

it's something i have to stop doing if i want to live my life. But i can't help it sometimes. It's just situations that happened to me has healed but has also left scars that i can't forget and want to prevent from happening again. My friend asks me if I'm waiting for the right moment. I tell her that idk myself, whatever happens, happens. Somehow i know i have to let go and live for once. Experience more of the life i was given. Seriously, who knows what could happen to me in any given day, me leaving like that w/ just barely enough knowledge and experience. I need some new motivation and inspiration in my life. Maybe someone along the way too...

sitting, waiting, wishing

I'm in hope thinking that at least he thinks I'm pretty if not "hot" as he described this one Asian girl of being "hot" in our class. oh well, someday just someday. Kinda tired of waiting for that someday tho. when will it be my turn?

"omg...you're like drew barrymore in "never been kissed!"!!!"

To live my life...as if I'm not or am i living a lie? Ok yea sure, i am almost 21 and have never been on a date but so what. Yes, i do want to be happy and have a family later in life but that's later alright. But still, so what. I'm perfectly happy just being by myself. Yea it'd be nice but i need to find myself before i go find someone or they find me. Haha. so a good friend of mine advise me to play the game, even tho she hates the game! I blew off a Halloween party tonight just so i wouldn't have to play the game haha. Oh well. Yes i do love being complicated!

And this is the part where you find out who you are

I think i did some real inspirational things and it was all in one day. I donated all my change for my light the night walk and walked @ cal Baptist for the charity. I also helped my long time friend out despite her having a breakdown and started crying. But i hope she takes my words and herself seriously. i know she'll be outta msjc & school for that matter soon and will be at the place she wants to be in life. after finishing the walk, i came home and started watching law and order:svu to relax. Then Cindy calls me. We always have good talks especially @ night time. talked about just what's been going on in our lives. Told Cindy about Sarah and she me realize how right i am about believing in your own self is more important then others believing in you  and that sometimes you gotta be selfish to achieve the things you want. Cindy said that it's so true & that she never thought of it like that before. She even made believe it's true lol. I really didn't know i had those kind or words inside me. But I'm glad i can spread that kind of positive thinking onto others. Life is good!

And so Annie waits...

The song called "Annie waits" by Ben folds played twice on the 2 diff times I've been there...so weird.
hmm yes, i think i do wait and just keep waiting. I wait for real love and real life to happen. I'm not desperate, just going w/ the flow and in fact, i love what has come into my life so far. But i am waiting for that it-only-happens-in- the-movies type of situation. Ugh typical dream on bullshit i know, but hey it can happen ;) maybe it's b/c I've been watching too many romantic movies on showtime & lifetime this summer (that only proves how my summer sucks & i don't have a life) & that stuff is drilling into my head about finding that tall, dark, & handsome (ex: keanu reeves...YUM) & eventually everything will fall in place after he has swept my feet off the ground...


well, that'll be the day

Lost memories find their way back

It's been awhile. He comes up in my mind from time to time. It just sucks to not know how things were suppose to end. Instead, it's this ambiguous thought that creeps up and haunt me. it was Dr. G. who had brought me back to that nostalgic feeling. the way he described the women he knew. One situation he described sounded exactly like a situation I'd been in. Felt so protected and safe knowing he'd do that for me. Too bad in the "end" it was all for show or some other shit he was trying to prove. but man, was i attracted to both their personalities...

I have the stupid helper gene...go figure

So i think way too much before i sleep. Go figure all my updates are always late in the night. Anyways, so i kinda felt like the doctor who has a phd in psych bitch slapped me in the face today. Lecture was about personality dealing w/ the id, ego, & super ego. Learned that some ppl have the "stupid helper gene" or aka suckerence(?). Basically he told us to not help ppl. idk really but he used the example of someone wanting to be a psychologist to help ppl and he disagreed w/ it. well that's when i felt bitch slapped. I want to be a social worker/counselor just so i could help ppl. So wtf is wrong w/ that? Yea he pointed out that some ppl don't want to be helped and that's understandable. But i want to help ppl. well then what am i meant to do in this life?

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold. Hey, I'll be fine once i get it. Yeah, I'll be good..."

Hold on to your kite

I wonder a lot about people. so much that i forget to worry and wonder about myself. I'm always interested in what other people have or have not done in their lives. i guess it's my way of figuring out the world & the things that people do in it. What about myself? No clue. Just know people I've met or known since forever have stories to tell. i don't find myself interesting for some reason. It doesn't mean i don't have any self-esteem tho. that was the topic for lecture in psychology today. How people have to have a sense of belongingness external & internal to have self-esteem which then leads to self-actualization. i think i have somewhat achieved that in my own kind of way for my life right now. Had a talk w/ a good friend today. Made me realize how lucky i am to have a friend like her. no matter what the circumstances are, we can always release stress on each other & motivate ourselves to do better. It's unfortunate on how many people I've lost as friends throughout these years but I've learned to accept that not everyone is compatible. I just hope my future relationships with men won't be like that. I'm trying to remember what Dr. G said about relationships. shit. Wish i had a spiffy mac to record him in class. I'm growing this fond feeling for him. no, not like that, but a very respectful one. He's the most opened teacher that I've ever had. But I'm afraid to talk to him and he never seems to remember me whenever he takes roll. psych is opening my mind so much than sociology. Might want to minor in it now. And i was so afraid to take psych especially w/ Dr. G. I'm just glad i didn't listen to myself.

Speechless

I can't seem to breathe. something so simple can get me worked up and make my heart flutter like crazy! no, not in love. Just so overwhelmed at the fact he replied with so much more then i needed. Bit confusing but i love it. let me have my moment then I'll reply. i want to have a real conversation with him. I want to know the real him, not the him that other people assume they know. i know he is something so much more. my confidence in talking to guys has gone way down. I blame it on the loser who left me so speechless a few yrs back. Oh forget about that. The present is what I'm focusing on! But how w/out putting myself on the spot? I don't even knw how to play the game and i especially don't want to lose if i do. to make a move or not?

I'm having this memory almost like a dream...

i can't help but think what went wrong or what is wrong in my life but so far everything seems good. But there's always this negative energy that coexist. I can't seem to get rid of it. idk if it even is that. my great uncle went on a train in la today to go up to norcal, to Oakland. Nearly took him 12 hours just to get there where by car would've taken 6-7 hrs. he wanted to experience it. Never again he told my father on the phone after arriving there. Out of all the times he has taken the time to visit us, this was the most memorable one even though it was short and didn't do much. Well i guess I've matured more after the last time i saw him. He told me & my siblings not to put pressure on my dad. This is the worst he's seen of my father. Wow did that struck a brain cell. my dad never shows pain or weakness ever and that's why I'm blind when it comes to that. I always think my dad's invincible and he doesn't let anything bring him down. Now I'm worried what is going to be left of my father in the future. Oh the uncertainties in life.

Sleepless for no reason

I haven't had a good night's sleep all this week and i can't seem to be tired enough to sleep but I'd wake up so tired. Wtf I'm not even thinking about much either. Ugh and i even stayed up so late studying for psych 1 which i got an A in! Thought Dr. G. was going to be super hard but he's easier than Thompson! Nah about the same haha. Dr. G. is funnier tho. Kinda wish i took it during regular semester but nah summer's more chill

i like talking to cute guys but...

Well i added him on Facebook. Didn't want to for a while but hey i partied with him a couple of times and had some deep convos here and there haha. posted "heyyy what's up :)" w/ a reply "hey long time no see. How is everything?! I've been working"


i couldn't be anymore awkward always hanging onto every word a guy i think is cute would say to me. Same w/ looks. Even if it's something so irrelevant or simple. I kinda flirted w/ this guy but it was nothing to him probably and yet i hang on to it. I felt a little connection tho but he's kinda a guy w/out any real goals in life. But what if just what if. Shit. My standards are too high sometimes...ok most. Ugh I'll be single forever.

If you're a normal stranger who happens to talk to me, then you just became my friend. That's how i roll ;D

I'd do him

He just suggested 2 songs for me to check out after having to update my fb status about suggestions for new music. my heart fluttered as i read the comment he had left me. I know it's not a big deal really. Just a friend suggesting music. Listened to banana pancakes by jack Johnson...a very romantic song. Checked out the lyrics for seaside by the kooks. A bit romantic too. But man he's so damn good looking i just can't help myself in thinking "what if i truly ever do like this guy?" always thought he was so damn hot from the 8th grade till now. Just never really thought and emphasized it till now. He's tall, blonde, blue eyed, and is going to school in the US Army. Now tell me, doesn't that sound like yum ;D

The Reader

Just finished watching the movie "The Reader" w/ my bro Michael. It was very interesting & we both enjoyed it. Minus the sex/naked scenes but overall, a very touching story. Makes me think about the critical thinking English class i last took. Trying to find out the true meaning of the story.

Blogging on the go!

Setted up this blog to my phone so now i can update via cellular device...but only through SMS so 160 character limit...lets see how this goes...

And it leads me back here

I really do miss blogging sometimes...why don't I do it often? There's always much going on in my mind. While looking up the words "inspiration" & "aspiration" for their meanings, I stumbled onto this blog that talked about those two words. And of course, it made me trace the steps to here. So inspiration v.s. aspiration...I've always heard of inspiration (which I've applied that meaning to a certain hero of mine) but never aspiration. According to Wikipedia, aspiration can mean "hope" and "ambition"...doesn't that apply to inspiration as well? If I were to use aspiration, I'd use the hope meaning of it. I am ambitious but sometimes being that is so overrated and annoying....

This excerpt from the blog helps explain what I mean:

"We live in an “aspirational” society. Aspiration and ambition could be good things but often drive people crazy. Aspiration refers to material things you can possess. Inspiration refers to immaterial things you wish to be. When you choose “have” versus “be”, you set yourself up for disappointment and frustration. No matter how nicer car or bigger house you will buy, there will always be some better ones you could have and don’t. It’s the famous “greener lawn” stereotype and, as with many stereotypes, there is some truth to it."

That's how I feel about life in general. We have to chase after the things in life that makes us as individuals happy, not just things that show other people we're happy. Sometimes both intermingle within each other and it works out, but if not, what is the point of being able to have those materialistic things when the inside of an individual is not so pleasant as it seems on the outside?

Overall, I am just grateful that I am always looking at things from the outside perspective of it and not the inside.

OK, now I know why I don't blog as much...it takes forever to spill out serious deep thoughts ha ha.